Love, Loss, Love

My dear, dear friend of a quarter century, Cadi, was that special person in my life with whom we shared everything, from what we wore to a special occasion to how to grow our businesses. We talked many times a week for decades, becoming integral parts of each other’s lives. It has been so very disconcerting for me in these past weeks while I’ve been deeply mourning and sadder than sad because I couldn’t go to Cadi – she’s the one who died.

The long crying jags went from days to now occasionally, and I consciously reflect on her wisdom, limitless love, and moments of laughter. I’m still taken aback when I want to forward an article to her or call her to share my news and ask about hers. How was it that she wasn’t at my son’s wedding last month? How is it that she won’t be at her daughter’s wedding in a couple of months? Although those major life events are hard without her, it is the half dozen times a day when I think about her with the minutiae of life because our lives were that intertwined.

When Cadi was dying and after she died, I declared that I was cutting ties with all of my friends, divorcing my husband, choosing estrangement from my children, and even walking away from my animals. The pain of love and loss was too hard, way too overwhelming, and I didn’t want to feel this way ever again. My loved ones smiled and nodded, knowing full well they are the lights of my life, and let me have my moment of despair.

So, dear ones, the price we pay for deep love is the possibility of loss. My quarter century friendship with Cadi will remain one of the highlights of my life, and the angst of her loss is tiny compared with the love, trust, tears and laughter we shared. Instead of abandoning my loved ones, I love them ever more, although I didn’t think that was possible.

I write this with tears streaming down and a smile on my face. That’s the nature of life and of love. The ups and downs, the good and bad, the highs and lows. If the price we pay for the great highs is the pain of loss, then it’s worth it, because love is the very essence of life. It is our soul’s oxygen.

Rest well, my dear Cadi. xox.