What to Know About Sympathy v. Empathy

Sympathy and empathy are not the same expressed emotion.

They’re both compassionate sentiments, but they’re also quite different.   

Sympathy is feeling sorry for or sad about a situation. Someone dies and we send a sympathy card. The card says something like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”

Empathy is showing you “get it” personally at a deep, gut level. You let the person know you identify with her feelings. If you were to send a card, it would say something like, “I get it. Been there. It sucks.”

What sympathy and empathy have in common is how you should and shouldn’t respond.

Neither provide you with a green light to share your story, or heaven forbid, the story of someone who the grieving person doesn’t even know.

This isn’t the time for storytelling. Just your headline is enough.

• When your friend’s marriage is ending, she doesn’t need to hear the details about the end of your last relationship.

• When your friend’s parent dies, she doesn’t need to hear the details of your late parent’s funeral.

• When your friend loses her job, she doesn’t need to hear about your struggle when you were unemployed.

I understand why people do this. They’re uncomfortable with their friend’s sadness.

However, as hard as it is, you must endure your own discomfort. Don’t make your friend’s situation all about you.

While someone is grappling with a loss, e.g., of a marriage, parent, or job, they don’t have the bandwidth to listen and respond to your story.

When it comes to both sympathy and empathy, less is more.

You can’t go wrong with keeping it simple.

Just show up. Offer to be on call and of service.

Let the other person know you see her.

Being truly seen is the best gift of all.